Finding Salvation Essays - Giovannis Room, Hella,

Finding Salvation Finding Salvation What is love? This question has probably been asked or thought about since the beginning of time. The definition of love cannot be defined as something concrete but something that is infinite. It is something that can evolve to everyones personality and something that everyone can choose to create for him or her. The idea of love can change as the seasons change throughout the year. But for some, finding love is not an easy path and the search for love can become a fa?ade to cover their true identity. In Giovannis Room by James Baldwin, the main character seems to be confused about his life and more importantly about love. He not only struggles to find his sexuality but he uses the notion of love to fill the void in his life at any given time. David becomes so enveloped by his desires, wants, dreams, and idea of manhood that he cannot truly find what love means to him. As the story of Davids trek to Europe unfolds, there is an obvious sense of confusion and understanding all in one. He starts off right away talking about how he never loved Hella. He states, I thought she would be fun to have fun with. That was how it began, that was all it meant to me I am not sure now, in spite of everything, that it ever really meant more than that to me (p.4). All throughout the novel, David is confused about Hella. Yet, he still asks her to marry him and strings her along through his sexuality confusion because he believes that she can make him happy. He constantly refers back to a life that he wants to lead, but a life with a nice home, a wife, and some children. What he fails to question is why he believes those are his true dreams. Even as he leaves for Europe he talks about his father and says, And we got on quite well, really, for the vision I gave my father of my life was exactly the vision in which I myself most desperately needed to believe (p.20). What is most interesting as his story goes on is how David is so capable of convincing Hella and Giovanni that he truly loved both of them. He kept both of them in his life but never truly knew what he wanted. In his mind, he wanted the perfect American family to bring home to his father yet he could never resist the desire for men that he held within. Always in the back of his mind, David knew what Europe was going to be for him. He knew it wasnt going to be a search for a home but a search for his sexuality. How he uses his two lovers is very intriguing because his love for both of them was truly only a sense of security. Davis states about Giovanni, Sometimes I thought, but this is your life. Stop fighting it. Stop fighting. Or I thought, but I am happy. And he loves me. I am safe. SometimesI thought, I will never let him touch me again (p.88). From Hella to Giovanni his confusion never stops because with Hella his dreams of a life could come true but with Giovanni his deep desire no longer is hidden. As Davids moods swing back and forth his love for each Hella and Giovanni conveniently change. When Hella leaves to go to Spain, David begins a wonderful relationship with Giovanni yet as her return comes closer he begins to question his professed love. He states, Yet is was trueI wanted children. I wanted to be inside again, with the light and safety, with my manhood unquestioned, watching my woman put my children to bedI could make it real. It only demanded a short hard strength for me to become myself again (p.103). His notion of safety changes and so does his love. Wherever he feels that safety can be found he believes that he has found love yet in reality that his love is only a mask for the fear of the unknown. David seems to be seeking for something to make him feel safe yet that web of safety